Post Break-up Survival Guide

Was it just me or did everybody go through a breakup this past holiday season? How convenient because so many of us had cute little Christmas gifts planned out. Well it’s been a whopping nine months of appreciating singleness and learning to love myself first before I can provide the same love to my future partner. No matter how smooth or how ugly your breakup went, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, many lessons to be learned about how to find yourself in the aftermath, and plenty of solutions to recover from what might have felt like absolute heartbreak. I am personally very blessed to be on good terms with past partners and I am here to share with you how to develop those same healthy and positive encounters after the separation. I am also going to be explaining how to find yourself again after the breakup and how to stay in a healthy mindset so that the heartbreak does not cause a regression on your mental well-being.

I am going to be super basic and provide/evaluate this simple list of the post-breakup Do’s and Don’ts:

What To Do :

• Allow yourself to feel the emotions

• Develop your hobbies and find a solid hustle

• Start a new beauty/self-care routine (self-care Sundays!)

• Evaluate what you truly want in a partner (after plenty of reflection time)

• Keep your body active and healthy

Please DO NOT Do This :

• Posting about the breakup or taking your despair to social media

• Isolating yourself from family and friends

• Relying on substances (alcohol or drugs) for coping

• Rebounding

• Planning revenge and your “Joker origin story”

Allowing Yourself To Feel The Emotions

For me personally, this was the most difficult thing to do after every breakup I have been through. It is so easy to tell yourself that you need to act like a hardass (pardon my French) and be completely unbothered by what just happened. It is so important to not suppress your feelings and emotions because it can lead to triggers, insecurities, and miscommunications in future amends and relationships. Healthy ways to allow yourself to feel your feelings can be through journaling, prayer, meditation, blogging, and so much more. You want to be able to digest and reflect on the relationship however, there will come a time when dwelling on these feelings should come to an end. After practicing the healthy coping mechanisms I listed in this section, moving on from the tears, guilt, fear, and anger should be put to ease. Sometimes these simple mechanisms for healing might not cut it on its own. There is no shame in finding a therapist or seeking a person you trust to talk about and evaluate your emotions so that you do not feel bottled up in whatever energy you want to release.

Hobbies and Hustles

My toxic trait when it came to past relationships was completely forgetting and neglecting my hobbies, future pursuits, and interests. Finding something that you enjoy and are passionate about can connect you to appreciating yourself and understanding your identity. I asked myself these questions after my recent breakup; “Who am I and what am I actually passionate about? Did my personality and identity completely revolve around my partner? How am I going to now become the creator of my own reality without any influence or limitations?” If you are a creative, artistic individual, resume what you established before the relationship or pursue something that you have always dreamed of! For me, I have always been a more creative and expressive person. Ever since I started college, I have had this dream and this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I need to pursue acting/modeling. I was so preoccupied in my relationships, out-of-state college career, and issues regarding my self-esteem to take this dream of mine into a full-blown pursuit. After eight months of developing my confidence, divine feminine power, and goals to live my life for myself, I attended scouting events and interviews until I finally made an agreement with an agency and officially became represented. I am so full of gratitude that I have been independent and listened to my intuition to take these once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Now I am pursuing the life that I know I want and most importantly, deserve. Feel empowered yet?! YES, it can happen if you truly believe it and make it a part of you every single day.

Self-Care Routines

Disclaimer: This is not about changing your look so that your ex can feel like they are missing out on your hot self. Please do not feel the need to change your appearance because you feel that you are not cut out for being loved or in a relationship. Developing a self-care routine in my perspective with this article is knowing how to pamper yourself and take care of yourself out of SELF LOVE! Every Sunday, I set aside some time to give myself a fresh start to my week. I will cleanse my room with my favorite incense, meditate, journal, plan out tasks for the week, take an epsom salt bath, get my nails done, treat myself to that basic face mask, and turn on my comfort movies from the 90’s and early 2000’s. Sundays are absolutely perfect for rest and starting off the week with mental clarity. Developing habits and rituals are not only comforting and orderly but they give you something to look forward to. If I am feeling extra pampered-princess for the evening, I will order some sushi or my favorite, nourishing comfort meal for carry out! While school is in session, I absolutely love to go to a coffee shop with a group of friends to study and work on homework during the daytime before my evening ritual. As crazy as it sounds, DATE YOURSELF <3 ! Welcome to the self-love club.

Establish Your Wants, Needs, and Standards for a Future Relationship Disclaimer: This does not mean to throw that “blame game” on your ex. Chances are, there are things you BOTH can improve on after the breakup to realize what you truly need. Think of some qualities and characteristics that you are going to look for in a future partner and do not allow this breakup to make you settle. Or, remember the qualities that you do admire about your ex and continue to hold onto the positives when it comes to the future. Was he/she ambitious, compassionate, affectionate, humorous, family-oriented, laid-back, communicative, loyal, etc.? I have no shame in admitting that my past partners had such amazing qualities about them that I will look for from now on. Another area of reflection that must be done is to analyze what you do not want in a partner. Was he/she very superficial, manipulative, invalidating, lustful, possessive, lazy, and not willing to treat you like a freaking king/queen? It is going to be impossible to have the perfect relationship with a partner that does not have at least one quality that is problematic. The key here is to understand how to react to the unwanted traits, your willingness to communicate your feelings, and how to work through some hardships. The harsh truth is that you are not going to find a partner that is absolutely perfect because that is just straight up unrealistic. What I am aiming to establish is you will be able to reflect on if you think you might have settled for less than what you truly deserved in the past. That is why learning to love yourself first is the most important step into fulfillment in love/relationships.

The Importance of Physical Health (Trigger Warning!!! Disordered Eating)

Unfortunately, so many men/women struggle with body image issues post-breakup. Women may feel the need to obtain thinness and curves where they are “supposed to go”. Men may feel the need to put on that muscle and sculpt those abs so that they can feel worthy of love. Who said you need to change your body? If this was said to you, chances are that your partner was a superficial a-hole or extremely insecure and nobody deserves this type of mental treatment. There is another side to body image issues and disordered eating triggers and habits that can lead to binge eating as well. This can be known as emotional eating.

In personal experience, it was difficult for me to eat a full, nourishing meal after my breakup due to insecurity, nerves, and anxiety. After a few days with this hardship, I challenged myself to begin a complete recovery journey because I did not want to let my disordered eating patterns I have dealt with since 2016 to progress even further. A breakup can be a trigger to restrict certain foods and exhaust your body through exercise. I learned how to do everything that I wanted to do in moderation. I ate healthy meals, treated myself to an occasional blizzard from DQ, hit the gym just to move my body and relieve stress and tensions, and most importantly, HYDRATE. Balance is the most important aspect when it comes to one's physical health because too much restricting or too much binging will hinder improvement. Dabble in a new fitness regime! I learned that I am obsessed with hot yoga and will incorporate it as a wellness habit when I feel the need to relieve my stress and move my body that I am so grateful to have.

DO NOT take your problems to social media !

This is something that I see way too often and it is so immature and honestly nobody else's business besides you and your ex. No matter how the circumstances ended, it is still not right to publicly humiliate somebody or make it too well known that you are now single and ready to rebound. Proper social media etiquette is to not overshare, especially if it is negative energy and something that nobody is going to really benefit from. It is only going to stir up more drama and more rumors which will most likely put you and your ex under bad terms. This is going to sound very harsh but people are not going to take your social media image and your personal image very seriously if you spew all your problems onto your platform. Nobody wants to see your crying pics, videos of you playing your break up playlist while driving on a back road, hateful captions under your hot selfies, or old text receipts of fights and miscommunications. I hope that those examples were extremely specific because they are the most common.

Isolation? Come on, we know better than to do that .

When a relationship comes to an end it is so normal and valid to feel like you are lonely and in this battle all alone. The best thing to do is surround yourself with the most positive and uplifting people in your life. This is the time to be selective about who you hang around. For me, my family and my closest friends were my greatest support system. It helps to be able to talk to these people and get advice from those who you genuinely trust and are there for your best interest. Go out with your girlfriends for the weekend, go to dinner with your family, a mini vacation, take your mom shopping with you, and come up with so many more activities so that you can feel that you are not alone. Do not feel that you have to plan anything extravagant because the little things matter so much. I like to go on occasional coffee dates, hot girl walks, a late night drive, and movie nights with my biggest supporters and cheerleaders.

Substance Abuse

This very temporary habit of suppressing emotions through alcohol and drugs can lead to more damage than you expect after the first time you partake. I have witnessed so many people that I know and grew up with resort to binge drinking so they can numb their pain and have a sense of escapism. It is possible to be tempted by the people that we surround ourselves with during difficult times. If you feel tempted or pressured to partake in substance abuse because your “friends” say that it'll make you feel better, you need better friends. Substance abuse can not only lead to physical and mental struggles, but legal troubles as well. After going through a breakup, it is essential to rid ourselves of any negative energy in which drugs/alcohol enhance. You also don't want to be under the influence and cause an interaction with an ex you are going to regret because you were not in the right mind. If you are struggling with substance abuse at this moment, there are many support groups, hot lines, and resources in your community. Substance abuse can happen to absolutely anybody in terms of background, race, class, age, etc.

Rebound Relationships

Sometimes, we think that finding somebody new really fast will help us get over our past relationship. This experience is unfair to your healing and your rebound partner. In terms of your healing process, it is important to take your time and please do not feel the need to rush into a new relationship chapter. After breakups it is so important to have time for self-reflection, to find yourself and your interest again, and put yourself back into alignment with what you really prioritize in your life. Your new romantic interest will be hurt in this process because they are going to have to deal with your mental repercussions of a recent breakup. Even though some people may act like they can get over somebody very fast, it is still going to take some time no matter how well you hide it. Excuse me for possibly calling you out but, if you had toxic tendencies in this relationship they are only going to progress to this new partner and just start a wildfire that needed to be put out a long time ago. It is not typically ideal to dwell on others' opinions of you, however, if you're in an instant relationship this can spark many rumors that you and your new love interest may have been messing around and secretly together while you were in your past relationship. Rumors and drama are just not necessary nor helpful.

Vengeance is a waste of your energy No matter if your partner cheated or just simply did not feel like the relationship was aligning with what they want in the future, planning revenge is only going to waste your opportunities to better yourself. You've definitely heard this said before, “ If you are too focused on other people, you are just neglecting yourself and your needs.” This is going to come off as such a cliche but always take the high road and just be the bigger person no matter the situation. If you handle the situation with grace, your actions will become more admirable than if you were to try and “ruin” someone’s life. If they did you dirty, trust the process because karma will work and it will all unfold before your eyes without you having to lift a finger. This is going to sound a little contradictory but the best vengeance is living your best life, working on yourself, and focusing on creating the reality that you want and deserve!