Pageantry Helped Me Cope With Anxiety, Depression, and 3 Eating Disorders

Due to so many stereotypes regarding pageantry, this blogpost may seem totally deceiving if what you hear is what you believe. The pageant industry is very misunderstood by society. However, there are many different systems that exist that all have different values and missions for the titleholders and contestants. The system that I'm going to highlight in this post today is the Miss America Organization (MAO), which I have been a part of my entire pageant career. To prepare for MAO, candidates (contestants) are required to develop a social impact initiative which is also known as a platform for a cause that they are very passionate about bringing awareness to. Candidates are also expected to compete in a private interview with the judging panel, talent competition, and red carpet, also known as evening gown. This organization has taught me how to master my stage presence, express myself without any doubt in my ability to a panel of judges, stand up for a cause that is close to my heart, and conduct myself with grace and poise in my everyday life as if that crown is always on my head.

Do you have to fit a certain beauty standard? How do you feel if you lose the competition? Do you ever get stage fright because eyes are on you at all times? I'm going to answer the first question about beauty standards in pageantry. There is no specific hair color, height, waist measurement, or eye color to become the next Miss America. Beauty in this sense is measured by how poised and confident a woman is in what she stands for. She is bold, courageous, and compassionate. I have lost plenty of pageants in my career and there has not been one time where I feel like I have walked away without improving.

When I was a junior in high school, I had this deep desire to start competing in more serious pageant systems while battling depression before it was diagnosed. During that time I never made it to the state level, but that was not going to stop me because this was my outlet to have a voice. Very few people realized that my mental health was declining at this time, but I do believe that having these opportunities to compete allowed me to push through those obstacles. I was keeping myself at what I call “a good busy” building my platform and rehearsing my talent. Coincidentally, this was before my binge eating disorder really became an everyday battle. Pageantry never made me act out in these disordered eating patterns because this originated from what I was dealing with in high school. I've never been the type to love school, especially in a small town where everybody knows everything about everyone. I was beginning to doubt my abilities as a cheerleader, chamber choir singer, and actress in the theatre department. I was really starting to lose my sense of self and I felt as if I had been a failure in all that I have been a part of ever since I was a little girl. I began to ask myself what my next step should be and the flashing signs pointed towards the Miss America Organization. I continued to compete throughout senior year and won a local title, Miss Northwest, and qualified to compete for Miss Missouri in the summer of 2021. By the time I made it to state that summer, post pandemic, I had been dealing with symptoms of anorexia and bulimia for the past year. The moment I spent my week at the Missouri Military Academy vying for the title of Miss Missouri, I felt as if I had broken free from eating disorders and mental health complications that held me back for the longest time. I was able to walk away that week as People's Choice winner which placed me in the top 11. My biggest goal was to make it to finals night and even though I did not win the crown, I still saw the light at the end of the tunnel and knew that my story in this organization was really just beginning. Since I was dealing with anorexia, bulimia, anxiety, and depression at this time, I realized that it is best for me to take a step back for the year to really focus on myself and how I can fix these behaviors and patterns so that I could come back to the system even stronger than ever before. As I'm currently writing this post, I am preparing to compete in my next local pageant so that I can return to state after taking a year off to focus on my mental health.

I have learned so much within this past year about myself and my thought process right now revolves around how I can help people through my social impact that is more relevant to my personal life. I believe that the most successful titleholders are the ones who are approachable, relatable, and are here to make a difference in every life that they encounter. While in my phase of recovery, I've decided to change my social impact initiative to the subject of eating disorder awareness. Returning to this system and standing for a cause that is close to my heart and that I have been a victim to once in my life will mean the world. This initiative is giving me a voice and helping others find their own.

Pageantry has helped redirect myself towards one of my purposes in this life. I know for a solid fact that one of those purposes is to help people. Service is one of the most important things to me because I value giving back to those who have helped support and develop me into the person I am today. Re-entering the Miss America Organization with this new and profound mindset to redefine social standards of beauty will open up the gate of plentiful opportunities. If it was not for this organization, finding my voice would not have been this simple. I encourage each and every person to find that outlet that gives them the voice that they have been looking for along with that purpose that we are all meant to have in this life. The Miss America Organization is full of so many women that are so kind, compassionate, and supportive. I have met some of my best friends and mentors through this system and I cannot be more grateful. Remember that pageantry is more than just a pretty face, it is a network of empowered individuals who are here to make a difference in this world no matter how big or small.