I threw my tarot cards down the trash chute.

I grew up surrounded by religion, Christianity, and praying before each meal. I attended Catholic school for nine years going through the motions of worship but still searching for what will make me feel closer to God. When I first started public school in high school, I still went to church with my family, prayed before each meal, and had a solid moral foundation behind my actions. As college approached and major identity crises came into the picture, I drifted away and you can say “I was lost.” I thought my life was about my looks, where the party was, popularity, and the type of glory I should not have been searching for. When I was down south I really had nothing that I was passionate about. More went wrong than right. I turned to alternate belief systems because I was so desperate, self-loathing, unhappy, and full of lack.

All of these dark feelings of being alone and hopeless led me to read tarot and make all decisions based on Mercury’s retrograde. I was fairly open about this and I was convinced that if I said some magic words and pulled the “wheel of fortune” card out of my deck all my problems would go away. I was questioning my past faith thinking that if all of these unfortunate things happen to me, this Christianity thing is not going to work. When I would return home, I would still go to church with my family and go through the motions. There was always something inside of me saying I need to give God a chance.

Over Christmas break, I attended the 2023 Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia. Months previous, I found a college ministry group I adored and went to with my best friend every Tuesday night. My best friend is so inspiring when it comes to her faith. I give her a lot of credit for my journey back to Jesus and we knew that our relationships with each other and God will grow immensely by going to this conference.

It was day two of the conference and the speaker for the morning session was Jackie Hill Perry. She covered various topics but what stood out the most was when she asked if we have considered alternate choices to find spirit. My answer was yes and I realized I participated in those alternate forms because I was discouraged and not confident in what God can do for me. Jackie said, “Discouragement is not an enemy but an opportunity to identify where and how we trust God.” And here is the epiphany, I am called to be a light in this world and I must invite God into each area of my life to see the works. Now I say yes to Christ because I know that what he has planned for my life is far better than what I can comprehend. I am so much more confident now because I know that God is with me at all times. Every rejection, restriction, and heartbreak was his protection to redirect me to exactly where I should be.

Fast forward to hopping off the bus back in Columbia, I return to my apartment and toss the cards down the chute. Tarot cards have turned into prayer cards and solitude has turned into gratitude.

I want to clarify that whatever religion you follow, I hope that it brings you peace. Just because this post is about Christianity, I do not want anyone to feel as if they are in the wrong if they don’t share my beliefs. This is my story and I am blessed I have a platform to share it. My advice is to find that peace. Please do not claim faith out of lack, guilt, or desperation. Soon those so-called “motions” will no longer feel like motions.