Emotionally Unavailable?!

I have been dealing with this insane writer's block and I stumbled upon the infamous Notes App. Noticing I had over a hundred notes, some had to go because it was too much clutter. A few grocery lists, contact info, reminders, and inside jokes with friends led me to find a breakup text sent by yours truly. There are many things to unpack here. I am goin g to talk about how portraying yourself as the victim and making people feel bad or sorry for you is only just going to push them away. And for the little positive epiphany in this word vomit is being able to recognize you were wrong and appreciate how much you have grown emotionally since then.

My old method to winning any argument and making sure I had the last word was to make the other feel bad for me along with some gaslighting. Reading that paragraph now was almost comical because I couldn't wrap my head around why I thought that was a good idea.

Circa Emotionally Unavailable Era

In general, it kind of sucks the life out of you to be surrounded by negativity and people that only speak words of it. I really mean that the kindest way possible. Here's the kicker, I was so insecure and unhappy with myself that I established a full identity into just existing to be with this person. I was exerting so much effort out of fear, wanting to be that “cool girl” that suffers in silence until it all spirals out. I was very paranoid, insecure, and overall just not emotionally intelligent and ready for honestly no reason. I have now become a firm believer in the phrase “hurt people hurt people.” Now I know for a fact I am one amazing person and I should never put myself on that low of a pedestal.

Textual Evidence (My words only)

“I just feel like a burden now.”

Reading that text is now going to become one of those shower moments where I remember something so cringey and unhinged that I did to where I close my eyes and scream at a medium level to try and block the memory out. And honestly, this wasn't the first time I've used that phrase. Also, does it sound like I was relying on this person for my happiness? In reality, if you are happy and have accepted yourself, burdening someone should be the least of your worries. Each time I was around this s/o, I always put myself down in terms of my body image, intellect, and talents. I made myself this project, this woman that needed “fixing.” Chances are if you treat and talk to yourself as less than you are worth, others will see you as that and that outward image was just spoken into existence.

In retrospect, I was not emotionally available to carry on a healthy relationship. There were so many things I have not healed about myself and neither did I make an effort to fix them at the time. I now know moving forward to treat myself with unconditional love. No matter what role you may play in a relationship, please do not forget who you are and what all you have to offer to the world. Your identity and sense of self should not be another person’s responsibility. Know how to hold your own and you will live happily ever after.