Count the memories, not the calories.

During the holidays towards the end of high school and the beginning of my college career, I could not enjoy the holiday season without worrying about what food I was going to eat and how much. For Thanksgiving, I would question myself if I should have seconds or eat the pumpkin pie. For Christmas, the amount of appetizers and candy I was surrounded by was so overwhelming. I remember after I ate I always checked my body in the mirror. I was not seeing what I wanted to see and I would be in panic mode until the morning after hoping and praying I had the “morning skinny.” That’s not the ideal way to spend the holidays. I remember in my childhood just enjoying the holidays and not having a care in the world because I was spending them with the people I love the most. When I was struggling with body dysmorphia the holidays lost their sparkle, which is such a sad thing to admit. Aren't you supposed to relax and celebrate the holidays?

I believe that your thoughts become your beliefs and then your beliefs will turn into actions. And what would happen is that these negative thoughts and beliefs our developing would portray negative interactions I would have with my family and friends. I was so irritable and stressed out all the time that the experiences during the holidays felt like an out-of-body experience.

Christmas of 2021 was kind of a turning point in my recovery journey. I was finally back home and in an environment that was supportive and beneficial to my mental health. I vividly remember the day after Christmas sitting on the couch for about 4 hours talking to my mom and letting all of my emotions and all of my feelings come out and I was honest, “I need help.” Asking for help and people's support has always been very hard for me because I always felt like the obstacles I'd face should be my own because I didn't want to be a burden or draw any attention to myself. A lot of my motivation to get better was seeing all of the worry and harm that it was causing my family to see me in this condition. Who would have known that a four-hour chat with my mom on the couch would change my life?

A motto that I try to live by right now is to really live in the moment. In times of doubt and uncertainty and when you really feel like you've hit rock bottom take the time and really give gratitude to the things in life that really fill your cup. This is all easier said than done. It's so easy to just mope around and have that victim mentality that nothing is going to get better. I realized I was so blessed to have all of my family be able to come together and love each other and really get along during these times. I noticed that I am myself and I am my happiest and most fulfilled when I am surrounded by the people that I love and making those memories. Life is too short to be worried about the bloating I see in the mirror and the number of calories in pieces of pie I consume.

My relationship with food has evolved into seeing it as a substance that can bring people together. For my family gatherings, it is always so planned out what we're going to have and it is this excitement and buildup of a delicious meal that we all get to eat at 1 table. We bond over my grandma's noodles on Thanksgiving and on Christmas we all bond by making cookies and candies together. If you find yourself struggling with body image right now please put this into perspective: what is one meal up against the possibility of memories and amazing conversations and moments of laughter you're going to share with the people that you love the most?

Adrian family Christmas. circa 2012

I think this was the year I got some American Girl Dolls under the tree! :)